Somehow can’t get my mind to stay on course to write a single verse or keep it on one thought. i’ve had so much going on in my life this past few months it’s hard to state what might be causing the break from writing. I realised a few days ago that i’ve held myself back from doing so many things because of the fear i have of my own anger and self pity. For the past few months i’ve been looking for a cause to live for, not like a disenfranchised person, but as a man simply uncommitted in everything i do. It’s been years since i can last remember something i did just because i love doing it.
Writing poetry and short stories was my favourite getaway from the uncertainties of my life while i was in high school. Poetry was the language of my heart, although most nights i go to war with my thoughts, i could dream through the day with the words i wrote looking for meaning and reflecting on every word. My love for words and their meanings cannot simply be stated, i think each sentence has to have a truth that defines it. whereas some things are inanimate(love, happiness, anger or passion etc), when put in a context they create a world of their own.
But of late i’ve been going through the ups and down of a rigorous lifestyle change. The change from being an immigrant student to a functional tax payer is dragging my long standing beliefs through the mud. Although i’m not yet finished with the school, i’ve been contemplating my life beyond the classrooms. First it was the clamour to finish school that made me tick, now i’m just not feeling at pace with my own goals. Everything is jumbled up in a series of expectations and disappointments, i’ve been trying to keep this in check. i’ve also tried living a healthier lifestyle, reading a lot of books and exercise. I’m currently reading, In no particular order:
- All God’s children need Traveling shoes- Maya Angelou
- A house for Mr. Biswas- V.S Naipaul
- The memory of love- Aminata Forna
- A clash of Kings- George R.R. Martins
I’ve also recovered from a depression from last year December, I was deeply disappointed by the incompetence of the school’s administration and the lack of transparency in the allocation of academic qualifications as well as the marking process. It resulted in my questioning my own loyalties and for the past 4 months i’ve had a recurrent thought that i don’t have anything i can fall back on, for which my parents have tried considerably to prove untrue, God bless them for that. i’ve also had to change my aspirations to more achievable goals, like my first motorbike or my first job. Having lived in Kenya for over 22 years, its frightening to think that i’ve to abandon a great many friends and start all over again in juba, where i know very few people. I’ve also been lost trying to fit within my own skin, how long has it been since i felt whole? a lifetime perhaps of being a loner has made it hard for me to rely on anyone else and now i need to feel anchored again.
I’ve also been feeling stagnant in my life, i’ve lived in Kenya for so long i can’t seem to relate to anyone else’s problems if they don’t have an underlying immigrant status attached to it. I finished reading Chimamanda Nghozi Adichie’s Americanah last month and i’ve been looking forward to the new experience of being in my own country. I’ve started noticing the hostile undertones that most people i’ve talked to or brushed up against on the streets have towards immigrants. Sometimes a simple issue like the high price of living has been attached to my status as an immigrant and often times trying to bargain in a shop leaves me feeling bloodied after the shop keeper says “Sudanese have money”, as a matter of fact statement. i still long for the bliss of being able to ignore such retorts, it’s making my days longer watching the world like this and losing my ability to forgive such ignorance.